I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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