it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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