Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
