your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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