Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
