This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
too bad you live with your parents still
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
