listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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