i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
