Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
