Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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