If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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