Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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