my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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