Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
