Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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