eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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