she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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