I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize