I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I think I just sharted jello shots
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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