Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
