I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We have started to decorate penises.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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