I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize