I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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