i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
