hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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