i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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