This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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