Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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