Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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