Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
