I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
