I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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