I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
