sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
