So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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