Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
