I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
