If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
