my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
