Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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