I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
