My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
