i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
