All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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