the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
