Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
