Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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