I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
