6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
