I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
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Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
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Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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