I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
