I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
