hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
